October 14th, 2014
We were meant to collide, explode, and create something so unfixable that I’d be lost looking for the pieces of your bones that once were one with mine. Remember when I was what you thought about, in the morning and before you got the fear out of your chest before arriving to school? I was always told that I was the one who was going to save you, but it was forgotten that you didn’t need any saving. So when the explosion happened, oh god did it happen. Our bones flew faster than the SR-71, and I can’t remember if I was holding your hand or your waist. It was fun, at first, but like everything else the joy soon becomes a pain. It’s much simpler than I once thought.
It all makes sense to me sometimes. You were meant to make my mind race, inspire me, build some crazy idea of success into the skull of mine. You went beyond that, now I have cities inside of my brain that contain people with passions, millions and trillions of dreams and goals and their ambition rushes through my chest. I can’t help but run around and shake my body around to the sound of songs that illuminate the city. Like all cities, like all places and people, rainy days come and go, and I’ve learned that it’s easier to dance to the storm than it is to run from the storm. When it all comes down to it we’re just animals, that were psychologically programmed to adapt to our surrounding. Chemistry is explained through the way my heart beats faster when you’re brought up, and social sciences are tested between us through each day.
I studied, and I studied until I couldn’t read anymore. My hands were shaking, and I couldn’t remember the last time my head felt so heavy. I wanted to know every inch of your mind, every inch of your body with my eyes. I wanted it all, and I forgot to study about how greed defines defeat. Because when you were around, and I was given the chance to ask you how you’ve been I raced to harder questions, and I threw you back into where we began. Out of sight, and out of mind we were and that’s where we remain.
I’m not exactly sure who I want to be in the future, or what I want to do, or how I’m going to get there. One minute I fall in love with the romance in the air through the fall weather in Pennsylvania, and the next anxiety fills my chest when I think of a life without the chill of Michigan. I wonder too often if I’m going to reach a point where I missed out, where the thrill is gone. I think, and I think and I think until I can’t stand to even talk to myself about how there’s going to come a day where I’m done, where nothing excites my heart like it quite used to. I just want to be okay with who you are, and what I am, and who I want to become, and where we will never be.